Every now and then I get into a funk with my job and feel very guilty about working vs being at home with the kids. Being a teacher is one of the most amazing jobs one can do, but it is also a very stressful, busy, lonely, and high pressure job too. Top that with the idea of being exposed to millions of different germs everyday, being a mom, counsellor, nurse, hugger, disciplinarian, police officer, and stand up comic...I think it can get a bit much at times.
So this weekend leading into monday was one of those times where I just felt the pop bottle shaken a little and the pressure mounting...my cork was about to pop. And it did. I got to the point of re evaluating finances and budget and seeing if I could stay at home. (that wasn't a problem at all)
I figured it outsomewhat. I think i get overwhelmed when I start to feel like too much is piling up on my plate, like I'm starting to get behind, or out of control. Let's see...I'm in the "downwind" from the concert, the January doldrums, the darkest time of the year. I've been planning to restart choir (getting all those songs figured out), plan, learn and teach the ukulele which I've never done before, and plan, learn and teach the recorder, which I've never done before. Learning the grade 1-3 guided reading program is not so bad, but it still is another notch to pile on. I also came up with the brilliant idea that I should have the kids create a school wide talent show for March (what the fuck am I doing?????) Add to the pile the teacher evaluations which my principal has to do on me to official grant me a permanent contract statuts. Yep..I guess I've got a bit on my plate. Add to that the fact that my husband was away for 5 days last week, and 4 days this week, while I'm playing single mom with all of the above on my plate. My learning curve at work is so sharp, and I know if I just get through this year, my future years will not be as hard.
Add to this the very frustrating point of being sick with cold or flu non stop since the 3rd week of September. No joke, just the week after Christmas, has been my one week where I did not need to resort to kleenex or hacking. I'm again, caught up with a sinus cold which I wake up with a headache daily for the last 5 days. Maybe something else is wrong with me?
I'm so surprised I haven't turned to smoking or drinking. Food such as icecream has been a comfort, but I don't resort to any of that. I just bottle it up.
So I've recoveered from this mess my mind has created. DH is leaving again tomorrow, and I will manage just fine. I will do what I can, how I can. My kids and I will continue on and do just fine. As for my job, there are so many things that I could add and do to enhance the program, but I just think I need to balance things better and realize that I can't do it all in my first year.
need to re-read this and let it sit inside me for awhile...